Meanderings

I've been doing a lot of this lately.  Lots of changes:

Mini Stroke
Grandson moving out
Home renovations
Husband health issues
Issues with family members

Some of these are good and some not so good.  

So I was contemplating why I am so 'flake' and bail out after I make plans.  Yep, I'm one of 'those' people.  I did some research online to see where it would come from, the causes because all I know is that I make plans and then sometimes (not always) as the event is on my doorstep I want to run away and hide out ... so my fight or flight response causes me to ... you got it ... bail.  Now I don't always give in to the impulse to bail ... but when I do it's usually at the last minute which, understandably, pisses people off.

So my contemplation led to a relationship between bailing and being late.  I want to be perfectly on time, right 'on the dot' as it were, and that's nearly impossible because of outside influences.  So I'm instead, late.  Then there are the myriad things I have to do and the impulse to do them when I have an appointment.  There's my inability to correctly identify the right time to leave and the stress that accompanies it.  What would seem like an easy thing to accomplish so often for me leads to failure.

You might think, well leave earlier.  I have tried that, but being too early has such a negative connotation to me that I shy away from it.  Thus, I'm late.  You might also think that this seeps into other areas of my life and you'd be right.  I often would burn the midnight lights getting an assignment done just in time, but I tend to do my best work 'under the gun'.  That might reinforce waiting until the last minute.  

Conversely I am, ironically, a planner.  I plan vacations out in detail and follow the plan closely.  I was also, in case you wondered, early for my wedding.  The church wasn't even unlocked when I got there.  

I decided to be kind to myself.  I explain to people that I am chronically late; this seems to give me permission, strangely enough, to be on time.  When I'm late I call and let them know so it gets them off the hook.

As far as bailing at the last minute, it's worse now after my stroke, so I've taken to explain to people that if I don't feel well at the last minute I'll call and let them know I can't make it.  At this point that's the best I can do.

Thats it for now.