Using the largest text makes me feel as though I'm shouting.  That's weird.

So Today I'm looking inward.  Yesterday I was looking for affirmation in a conflict I have with my youngest sister to a friend I trust. Instead of affirmation I got a different perspective based on my friend's problem with our relationship, the fact that I'm untrustworthy when it comes to keeping  scheduled appointments.  I bail.  I don't know if I can trust her advice because as we talk it becomes evident that her advice is colored by her disappointment with me but her perspective gave me interesting insights.  One insight is that I hate disappointing people so I say yes when I really should say no and then I hate bailing so I wait until the last minute.  One problem heaped onto another.  Yes, I am codependent.

My friend suggests that my sister is right to avoid me since my co-dependence is unhealthy for her.  Unhealthy for me too; because it leads to my sister's pattern of anger and disappointment, leading to blocking me, leading to reuniting with me in hopes that I've changed, leading again to anger and the cycle continues.  My friend has opted to accept my inconsistencies, although she admits that my habits of being late and bailing would have ended our friendship when she was younger. 

How am I feeling about this?  Depressed and frustrated and not sympathetic or empathetic at all.  After all, shouldn't my good qualities measure against my failings?  And as Christians we are commanded to love ... she says she loves me because that's the command but she doesn't like me and she doesn't have to like me. She's only human ... but so am I.

So today I went online looking for information on people who don't feel empathy.  I don't think I'm an empathetic person.  According to the quiz I am.  So I looked at more quizzes.  

The next quiz was on mindfulness.  I ranked in the middle, kind of mindful but needs work.  It hit me that I am actually not mindful at all when it comes to being aware of how other people feel or rather life from their perspective.  Not their point of view but how life looks through their eyes.  I just don't see it.  I've never thought of that before.  It was kind of shocking.

The last one was on relationships.  I chose to focus on my husband.  Although I trust his faithfulness I'm not sure that he cares for me in a way that I assumed he did.  But not like my family where it was 'every man for him or herself'.  So I search on, what is the healthy way?

So a bit of history.  I grew up in an alcoholic family with PTSD and abuse thrown in as chasers.  The second oldest of four girls, I learned how to be hyper-vigilant to stay safe.   My world revolved around taking my family's emotional temperature and watching for any signs of my father's impending rage, any evidence that his  good mood was going to turn sour.  I learned to pay constant and close attention as I watched how anger always led to violence.   I tried to do whatever I could to control my family's feelings to protect myself.  I became codependent.

I graduated and left home but took with me the codependent lessons I had learned.  I learned to ignore my own needs and take care of the emotions of others ... my survival had depended upon it.  The moods of others continued to  dictate my emotions; it was exhausting.  When anyone was upset, especially with me, I couldn't relax until they felt better and I felt safe again.  I had to fix them in order to de stress.   But fixing them often didn't work and even when it did, it was only temporary.   I felt let down, unappreciated and then angry. I heard about recovery from codependency.  The first step was to be aware of what's known as the 'drama triangle', how I was using survival techniques that were no longer necessary to survive.  

I needed to change my response to the feelings and needs of those around me.  In the first part of the triangle as soon as I felt someone close to me was getting angry or upset, I would try to rescue them ... a fight or flight response.  It could be from their own responsibilities, troubles, issues, etc.  I would try to fix the problem which would fix my problem (fear and stress over their problem).  It often didn't work.  Moving to the second leg of the triangle, I would become angry because in order to fix them I had often agreed to do things I didn't want to do, ignoring my own wants and needs.  The person I helped not only didn't appreciate what I did, they got angry at me.  I would then move on to the third leg of the triangle; I became the victim where I felt used and sorry for myself, I felt like a martyr.  

To stop the process I had to be aware of what I was doing.  I had to change my response.  I needed to start saying no.  I needed to address the fear that saying no would make them abandon me.  I had to stop trying to manipulate people in order to protect myself.  I had to stop trying to guess what other people needed and offering it before they asked.  So I also had to stop expecting others to know what I want.  Finally, when I'm feeling overwhelmed I needed to ask myself what I need to take care of myself, and then do it.  

It means I needed to be in tune with my thoughts, feelings and needs.  I needed to take my attention away from what I think I need to do to meet the needs of others in order to protect myself ... a habit that has long outlived its usefulness ... and put my attention back on what I need.