what happened

what happened
to February
it's April

what happened to winter
it's spring

what happened to
laughing
giggling
smiling

it's been saddened away
sheltered for
better days to come

what happened to life
it's
gone

from the outside in
I am
calm
quiet
professional
unruffled
patient
kind
generous
mildly sarcastic
humorous

from the inside out
I am
frantic
noisy
unprofessional
anxious
impatient
unkind
stingy
rude
sarcastic

and who am I
inside out
or
outside in
or
neither

Three Years

December
small breasts
not much
but mine
small enough to find
a lump

January
the mammogram
the second mammogram
the ultrasound
the news

February
the tests
the surgeon
and what's most import
the question
what's an oncologist

March
diagnosis
more questions
fewer answers
chemo

April
new friends
new vocabulary
new emotions
more chemo

May
tired tired tired
sick sick sick
afraid afraid afraid
angry angry angry
but so tired
more chemo

June
almost done
almost done
my new mantra
almost done with
chemo

July
still tired
still afraid
still angry
but no more
chemo

August
new friends
new vocabulary
new emotions
surgery

September
new friends
new vocabulary
new emotions
radiation

October
radiation isn't a burn
it isn't an abrasion
it's a lack
of skin

November
last day
no more radiation
no more surgery
no more chemo
no more cancer
please please please
no more

December
small breasts
not much but mine
small
one smaller
without it's lump
of
me

I am not the same

I am
stronger
weaker

I am
faster
slower

I am
smarter
and not

cancer
not my cancer
not the cancer
not our cancer
just cancer

has made me less
and
more

Time

First counting
minutes
then hours
days

days were slower
at first
but in retrospect
faster

months
and now
could it be
years
yes
two