grandmother's flute

was grandfather's
wrapped in the symmetry
of bone and skin
weighed sinew and muscle
the length of the throw
an angle of stride
that can only be found
in spruce
straight and true
fitted with music
tuned by the wind
carved by the master's
apprentice

the music
weaves magic
through the night air
pulling tears and joy
forth
from nothing
to something
more

tough

tough
not hard
firm
substantial
steady

stance that says
I'm here
I can be moved
but it won't be easy
I can be forced
but at a price
you may win
but it won't be all

I'm not perfect
determined
I'm not unselfish
but compassionate
I'm not the best
but the best that I know how

eyes that have wavered
and held
heart that has trembled
and stayed
spirit that has leaned into the wind
given and taken

only an ordinary woman
just as ordinary as an extraordinary woman
can be

Odds

Odds are
that I'd never know
you had cancer too

Odds are
that I'll pass you
and smile
and you'll do the same
and we'll never know
each other

Odds are
that the woman
who works
at the end of the building
is just another
anonymous
face

but odds are
that odds aren't
and I'm the richer
for knowing

she giggled
he giggled
bunny jumped
nikki whoofed
suddenly
laughter
erupted from
nowhere
sides aching
guffaws softened
the fall
where we lay
exhausted
until it all started up
again

leafy fingers
greet the day
piecing the sky
pullling
layers of blue
into stems
buds
woody green
elixer of life

green
dapples
moving feet
as dust stirs
settles
stirs
pick me
pick me
soundlessly
whispers
pepper the air
dahlias
honeysuckle
palms
rangers
set the sun
whispering
still

the lilac bush

once a year
maybe a week
sometimes a day

she fills up
with life
nourished
cared for
through long hot days
colder nights

she waits
her head cocked at odd angles
legs thin and sturdy
rooted deep she quietly resists
survives
and blooms
only once
but then once
is still
enough

music
runs through my veins
liquid sound
energizing cells
filling veins and arteries
pumping
living water
filling and overflowing
my life
hers
his
theirs
yours

out of tune
loud
enthusiastic
thrumming with
missing lyrics
half remembered
sounds
connecting
tissue to ligament to muscle to bone
fingers
feet matching beat for beat
shoulders gut
heel to toe
until
the last note falls
to
make room
for the
next

music
draws beauty
from my soul

warbling through
vocal chords
rusty with age
lungs
wheezing with effort
volume
muted with years

until
emotion
passion
fury
drives dusty
valves
softens pedals
smooths
volume

"someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
the lovers, the dreamers and
meeeeeee"

I don't want to be
honest
it means being
vulnerable

you
seeing
me

naked
my heart exposed
my failings revealed
my warts
lies
cheats
anger
words
visible

but

if you don't see me
how will I know
if you
like me
at
all

Loneliness

is not
being alone
is not
missing family
is not
living away
is not
a singles bar
one tv dinner
one dirty spoon in the sink

cannot be cured
by
people
places
things
action
excitement
sex
money
toys

it is
another type
of cancer
destroys the
heart

it runs from
open arms
open heart
giving
loving
encouragement
compansionship
laughter
stepping outside
forgetting me
moving from
internal
to external

the disease
self-want
the cure
helping others
knowing
yourself

No Wig

eyes slant
sideways
creeping
under my
hat

what's there
isn't visible
I see
ears
but
nothing
else

Counting

Friday
three more weeks
until
okay

I lose
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
part of
Thursday
then
awake
Friday

two more weeks
until
okay

eat
clean my room
do the dishes
go out
see a movie
visit mom
sleep
again
sleep
again
sleep
Friday

one more week
until
okay
stew
tastes
like food
wig
itches
I can
look for scarves
find hats
go shopping
eat lunch
laugh
giggle
argue
complain
grin
hug
remember
until
Friday
comes again

Blanks

Fill in the
blanks
chemo
Friday
lunch then
um

okay
Saturday
the kids spent
the night and we
watched movies and ate
um

okay
Easter Sunday
honey ham
potatoes
cornbread
with the kids
and then we
um

Monday
blur
bowl
Tuesday
work
blur
sleep
Wednesday
Thursday
got up and ate
looked at the garden
until
Friday

Friday I worked
watered my garden
played with the kids
Friday I
remember