The Big C

No one I know
calls it
the big c
they want it to be
the little c
instead

but
someone decided
that television
that viewers
that people would benefit
from a show about
the big c

so
they wrote
produced
and presented it

we're alike
we both have cancer
different kinds
we both struggle with acceptance
of the same kind
we both dealt with it
in different ways

even tho it's not
the big c
to me

light

light
into realization
I would write
the great
American novel

I would be
envied for my
talent

I would be
sought for my
wisdom

I would be
desired for my
notoriety

it's not

it's not
that I didn't expect
to age
just not like
this

it's not
that I thought
I'd live
forever
just longer than
this

it's not
that I didn't see others
fade to grey
just not
me

age

pulls my strings
shortens my legs
my stride

reduces my height
centimeter by centimeter
catches my breath
in small gasps
turns fingers
into prunes
the skin on my arms
bruised
red brown

long brown curly locks
thin into white
transparency

while inside
long legs
churn up miles of dust
hair blown back
arms pump air
and my heart glows

Epiphany

I will not
get any better
than I am

it's not
that I'm negative
depressed
uncertain

but I know
that this
is probably
it

Before

before he walks in
I know
he's there

clothes rumpled
from sleeping
on the ground

odoriferous
not that clean
outdoor smell
yet that too

days of beard
bag tucked behind
one leg
shouts
mine

hesitant eyes
search mine for
hope
pushed aside
by affluence

a mumbled apology
sideways glance
the step and slide
in reverse

but this time
is his time
before

Just

just when
I think
my world revolves
around only
me

someone reminds me
that the world
and my world
are not always
the same
one

thank you Sharon!

now

now that chemo's over
I can go back
to being me

now that the
radiation burns have
healed

now that the surgery
was successful

now that
that
inconvenient
messy
emotional
cranky
frightening thing
is over
I can go back
to being

me me me me me

but I already
am

stop

everything didn't
stop
at cancer

the world kept
revolving

my mother was still
eighty-eight
and slowing

my granddaughter
still pregnant

my son
still fighting for
custody

nothing changed
with cancer

my sisters still fought
with each other
with me

money was still tightening
an ever taunting
noose

the car still stopped
and is stopped
still

nothing changed
the world didn't hold
its breath

giving me time to scream
to cry to rage
to grieve

nothing changed
except
everything

Linguistics

I know the language
of
love
and
hate

at my father's knee
I learned
distrust
fear
anger and
humor

from my mother
I learned
mistrust
disillusionment
laughter

words
replete with
looks
the tilt of the head
the roll of the eyes
eyebrows raise
mouth turns down

fluent in emotion
my arsonal primed
I search for the final knowing
life

Multilingualistic

I speak
English fluently
the language of
the country of
my birth

I learned more
daughter
sister
cousin
niece

I married and studied
wife
mother
aunt

I aged and acquired
meme
grandma
great aunt

but I never expected
to have to learn
Cancer

The Big C

drama is drama
whether
love
sex
violence
sad
mad
glad

drama sells
tv
the big screen
the little screen
books
audio
it sells

and so it appears
does
cancer