you called

tried to sound cheerful
forced light
plum parody
but failed

it's not that
she's not happy for me
it's not that
she wants me to be sick
it's not that
she enjoys our mutual misery

but

she'll miss it
anyway

faith

in life
that it will
go on
beyond me
into the future
where I will not
can not
exist

commands
that I relinquish
all
to gain
and then to
lose

only faith
remains

To sleep

and to dream
and dream
again

running through fields
sifted in yellow
crushed velvet grass
tickling bare feet

racing the clouds
across a painted sky
leaping yellow to
blue to red

sinking into
unimaginable depths
as
fireflies
dart through the waves

shadows dog my steps
invisibly growling
snap and paw
miss and then catch

as my breath grasps
my chest
fails and I
wake

cancer

never had a name
for me
until half hidden
it beckoned forth
crooked its finger
and pulled at me
no one
in a faceless crowd

nameless
but not forever
my companions
took form

Betty ... Carol ... Sue ... Bob ...
Julie ... Ginny ... Marilyn ...
Ed ... Fran ... Dana ... Kathy

not cancer
nor cancer victims
not survivors
only people

walking to work
smiling across the cash register
frowning at the long wait
grumbling about the bill
laughing at a joke
wincing at a sudden pain
crying in the night
hugging love and life
tightly

people
cut across the quick
eyes widening
black brown yellow white
short tall skinny fat
old young smooth wrinkled

people
sharing
the unimaginable
in the unthinkable
now

trouble

finds me
hidden under my bed
sliding around the kitchen corner
skulking in the attic
doing nothing
nothing at all

pulls me out
by the ear
rattles my bones
tweaks my toes
shakes a finger in my face

and I never ever
deserved
um
it

i cannot

i cannot walk
a hundred miles
but
i can step once
ten thousand times

i cannot wait
forever
but
i can wait
one second at a time
for eternity

i cannot climb
a mountain
but I can take a stair
one at a time
until I've reached the top

i cannot be the best
but i can be
my
best

breathe

i held my breath
for a moment
until
just until

and
until became
forever

dripping

dripping dropping
silent shush
pitter patter
running rush

flitting falling
fast now slow
teasing tasting
stop and go

summer's fine
winter's fair
but rainy fall days
take the air

nearly

it lay poised
one tentative leg raised
searching out danger
on our dark wooden floor

my foot poised
bare foot
close enough to feel the bite
eight legs waited to pounce
outlined in the fading light

poise evaporated
time exploded
scream ... run ... laughter

plastic plastic plastic
spider

laugh

I can laugh
again
when
I'm done
when
it's done
when
they've finished
when
we've won
but really
when
if I never
stopped

done

am I done
I found it myself
fears into reality
they found it
too

am I done
chemotherapy
chemo
weekly
bi-weekly
port
the vein

am I done
lumpectomy
sentinel node biopsy
pain meds
dazed and queasy

am I done
radiation
rads
daily
burns that don't burn

am I done
yes
but
maybe not

lived

have I lived
have I breathed in love
and breathed out despair

have I lived
have I fought the good fight
won
and lost

have I lived
have I pitched my tent in the whirlwind
and lost a friend

have I lived
have I faced my greatest fear
stood trembling and found grace

have I lived
have I done aught else

Where have I been

A far country
called me away
no gentle caresses
drew me
from my sleep
but with claws
deep
caught me
and extinguished my day
for a season

It's Time

Time has swept away
the far shore
into a gentle
wave
from yesterday
to today
and soon
into
tomorrow