from the outside in
I am
calm
quiet
professional
unruffled
patient
kind
generous
mildly sarcastic
humorous

from the inside out
I am
frantic
noisy
unprofessional
anxious
impatient
unkind
stingy
rude
sarcastic

and who am I
inside out
or
outside in
or
neither

Three Years

December
small breasts
not much
but mine
small enough to find
a lump

January
the mammogram
the second mammogram
the ultrasound
the news

February
the tests
the surgeon
and what's most import
the question
what's an oncologist

March
diagnosis
more questions
fewer answers
chemo

April
new friends
new vocabulary
new emotions
more chemo

May
tired tired tired
sick sick sick
afraid afraid afraid
angry angry angry
but so tired
more chemo

June
almost done
almost done
my new mantra
almost done with
chemo

July
still tired
still afraid
still angry
but no more
chemo

August
new friends
new vocabulary
new emotions
surgery

September
new friends
new vocabulary
new emotions
radiation

October
radiation isn't a burn
it isn't an abrasion
it's a lack
of skin

November
last day
no more radiation
no more surgery
no more chemo
no more cancer
please please please
no more

December
small breasts
not much but mine
small
one smaller
without it's lump
of
me

I am not the same

I am
stronger
weaker

I am
faster
slower

I am
smarter
and not

cancer
not my cancer
not the cancer
not our cancer
just cancer

has made me less
and
more

Time

First counting
minutes
then hours
days

days were slower
at first
but in retrospect
faster

months
and now
could it be
years
yes
two

Dancing with Spiders

thanks for the inspiration from The Ocean is Always Calling Me

dancing with spiders
jumping with glees
trotting with alligators
please don't eat me

chortling with katydids
long legs so fine
prosperous mantis'
lick their lips but don't whine

mixing with manx's
tropeing with ticks
till my breath is in gasps
and my gizzard's in bits

widows and recluses
stand in confusion
is it lunch . is it breakfast .
are they lunch in profusion

dancing with spiders
my life day to day
poison and danger
come and join the fray

I haven't

posted in so long that my fingers feel awkward on the keys. I have missed this juxtaposition of letters and digits pouring my soul in fits and starts. Racking my mind, then my body and now my soul cancer extracts the price of survival from marrow to mind. I read and read into blogs and posts searching for some glimmer of sanity but find only fear, anger, and little reconciliation. but looking deeper I see hints of contentment, vague tremors of acceptance, touches of the glow of hope within the recesses of pain and fear. So I will grasp the thinner line of hope, find it stronger than my own and pull myself to the surface, again. No drowning today, just damp clothes and the immediate future of a clean warm bed.

Rewind

Back again
that's not right
now there are more tears
in the night

Back again
that's even worse
the future's dimmer
than the verse

Back one more time
but now I see
even more
tragedy

I can't rewind
my game is done
I'll play the hand
my life has won

Darnell Mardis' 'Tears'

Thanks for sharing this Darnell!

Tears don't always cleanse the soul
sometimes they just need someone to hold
that's there to share a moment in time
as life goes forward because it can't rewind.

Like stained glass in a church that's so refined
sometimes they glow and sometimes they just shine
with shapes of wonder that will blow your mind
no two tears are alike history does find

just know that your tears are one of a kind
and that your soul is where their shapes are defined
this precious dew that comes from me and you
also instantly makes heavens angels cry too

how can this be tears that we don't see
seemingly sometimes lands on you and me
because the sky releases more than rain
when we cry heavens angels also feel our pain

so remember that the next time it pours right out of the blue
that angels cry too and their tears end up on you
if i would have known just how precious my tears were
i would have caught them all and none would have hit the earth

and I'd ship them right off to heaven each night when I pray
so that God could use them to water his garden each and every day
I believe that tears were here even before man
because the earth cried out knowing what it would have to withstand

so the oceans and lakes and streams that we see
all came from tears before the start of history
so God surely must have known the depth of pain that's down here
because before there was man there still were
tears