you called

tried to sound cheerful
forced light
plum parody
but failed

it's not that
she's not happy for me
it's not that
she wants me to be sick
it's not that
she enjoys our mutual misery

but

she'll miss it
anyway

faith

in life
that it will
go on
beyond me
into the future
where I will not
can not
exist

commands
that I relinquish
all
to gain
and then to
lose

only faith
remains

To sleep

and to dream
and dream
again

running through fields
sifted in yellow
crushed velvet grass
tickling bare feet

racing the clouds
across a painted sky
leaping yellow to
blue to red

sinking into
unimaginable depths
as
fireflies
dart through the waves

shadows dog my steps
invisibly growling
snap and paw
miss and then catch

as my breath grasps
my chest
fails and I
wake

cancer

never had a name
for me
until half hidden
it beckoned forth
crooked its finger
and pulled at me
no one
in a faceless crowd

nameless
but not forever
my companions
took form

Betty ... Carol ... Sue ... Bob ...
Julie ... Ginny ... Marilyn ...
Ed ... Fran ... Dana ... Kathy

not cancer
nor cancer victims
not survivors
only people

walking to work
smiling across the cash register
frowning at the long wait
grumbling about the bill
laughing at a joke
wincing at a sudden pain
crying in the night
hugging love and life
tightly

people
cut across the quick
eyes widening
black brown yellow white
short tall skinny fat
old young smooth wrinkled

people
sharing
the unimaginable
in the unthinkable
now

trouble

finds me
hidden under my bed
sliding around the kitchen corner
skulking in the attic
doing nothing
nothing at all

pulls me out
by the ear
rattles my bones
tweaks my toes
shakes a finger in my face

and I never ever
deserved
um
it