Friends

hearts
entangle slowly
almost
imperceptably

hi
how are you
can you take notes for me
wanna get somethin' to eat
what are you doin' later
call me
did you finish that assignment
how's your mom
did you forget to call
what time do you go to work
are you okay
here's your sandwich
I still owe you for that book
did you get the results
do you want to talk
because
we're best friends
you
know
yes
I'm glad
yes
I know

the silence of
a thousand dreams
can never
take
away

that single breath
infinity
that tells my heart
to stay

the movement of
a million stars
will never cease
to be

for I will hold
you in my heart
through all
eternity

Waiting

Room silence
eyes dart
skip across faces
like nervous
squirrels
wary
fearful
anxious
starving

see me
the silent voices
croon
don't see my scarf covered head
don't see my pale face
etched lines
drug drained skin
pain filled eyes

see me
I danced past midnight
I skiied the bunny slope
I ran a marathon
I sewed a costume
I won first prize
I was the cutest
I had the nicest smile
I saved that dog
I missed my football game for you
I jumped the highest
I got a home run
I gave my last dollar
I didn't cry
I can whistle
I have the longest legs
I bowled an 85 or 185 or 285
I made spaghetti
all by myself

see me
I'm not
what I have
I am
me
see me
so I can
see me
too

Silence

I don't know how
or who
or when
or why
to tell

I don't want
pity
just compassion
guilt
just understanding
fear
I have enough for
both of us

after all
I am still
me

maybe I just
want
a hug

Retrospect

I'll know
tomorrow
or was that
last week

the results
will be in
on Wednesday
or was that
last Tuesday

the decision
will be made
Tuesday
but no Tuesday
came

I will know
what I now know
when I have known
yesterday
tomorrow

You can't stop if you don't start

I want to go
but I don't want
to start
I want to finish
but I don't want
to begin
I want it
to be over
before it's begun

peeking through
a lattice of
fingers and fear

am I there yet?

Conflictd

eeee
it's missing
how can I be
conflicted
without an e

how can I
not?

Passion

flows
through veins
softened
with years

timeless

Valentine

pulse
racing
eyes
lift
smile
encompasses
the future
even
now

My

heart
balanceless
slips
the ground
advances
slow motion
energyless
my eyes
scan for
footholds
named
you

maybe if

I cried
foul
wept
dripped
sackcloth
cast misery
upon my face
cobwebbed
my hair
downcast
eyes
pitiful
pity
would proclaim
victory
the only
loser
me

Dreaming

no peace
I battle
myself
family
friends

love brings
no peace
accusations
anger
disappointment

a dark alley
stalks
with shadow
fears
held at bay
in the light
the dark
obscures and reveals
and
their teeth grind
my bones
to
dust

Intercession

Caught
a fly in
amber
midflight

your disappointment
my surprise
captured
time
frozen

amazement
painful
realization
stoic
determination

mercy wept
and
love lost

anyway

I didn't
pay it
fast enough

I promised
I thought
I could
but
I couldn't
not fast enough

you
waited
frowned
waited
watched
waited
growled
and then
took action
without asking
without talking
without mentioning

but it's okay
because you love me
anyway
not
any way
just
anyway

there are
conditions
to your love

I didn't know
about
anyway
so
I drown
stranded
between
any way
and anyway

I fooled you

you forgot

my life
is
chaos
in living
color

work
school
responsibility
bills
support
kids
grandkids
demands
sleepless
laundry
kitchen
garden
family
friends
time
cancer

a mountain
resting on shoulders
my shoulders
but not mine
alone

I'm so brave

I'm so brave
everyone thinks
I'm handling
IT
so well

I'm so casual
no one thinks
IT
is a problem

I'm so calm
some people think
IT
isn't IT

I'm so terrified
anyone might think
I don't have
IT

If they know me
why don't they
know

What's after Depression?

denial
depression
what next
oh yeah
anger
bargaining
and
what's the last one
ummm
acceptance?
good luck

Shagann

sweet
melancholy
quiet
sadness
remourseless
recollections
painful
perusal


thanks for the picture and
the definition from
inevitable-eventuality@blogspot.com

So today I'm

Depressed
why
I don't know
it's alphabetical tho
Denial
Depression
distressed
down

hmmm
pissy comes after depression too
I'm feeling
pissy

my stomach is
sick
I'm tired
so that makes me
sick
and tired
and
wait
that was funny
from Bill Cosby, right?

The Storm Before the Calm

Why won't you call me
I didn't mean to tell you
I have cancer
it was an acciden

it just fell out
when we were discussing
the weather
between cloudy and a chance of rain
there it was

you looked at it
like something
the neighbor's dog left
on the sidewalk
you just missed it
whoops
that was close
and then you were
gone


Where is the warning light
like on my dash
watch out!
your radiator needs
water
careful!
the oil is low
oops!
the trunk is open
hey!
you've got cancer


I told my grandkids
you know
bc before cancer
I'm going to live
forever
three pairs of eyes widen

my daughter is moving
what will she take with her

the wheels begin to turn
Aaron tries for sensitivity
when you um, move on
will you leave me the car?
Jenny's face lights up
can I have the rest
of the cookies
Jessy is silent
I ask
and what would you like
Hmmm the house

I pause
okay, Aaron, you get the car
Jenny you can have the cookies
and Jessy gets the house
Jenny frowns
Katlyn interjects
the house? she gets the house?

but
they look at me
expectantly
I'm living forever
eyes round
brows wrinkle
so
can I have the cookies
now?

one glass of milk
five sets of fingers
until
there is one empty box
of cookies
life is
good

I'm not dying
I don't think
so
it's just that
sometimes
my mind
takes trips
without
getting into the car
first

Honesty

I will be
as honest as
I can be
I don't know
how honest that is
yet

my mind edits
my brain circumnavigates
my mouth cutenizes*
my ears reframe
only my fingers seem capable
of
honesty
I guess

* taken from another blog, I lost the link or I'd cite it

am I dying
my mind
searches my body
for clues
....
nothing

I'm the same
as yesterday
last year
ten years ago

is it a trick
I should feel something
other than that
lump
where it shouldn't be

I know
I know
I won't live
forever
but when I'm lying
in the dark
and everyone's asleep
I stare at the stars
and think
but won't I?

So what has cancer taught me, so far?

I'm alive
right now
tomorrow
is a promise
yesterday
is a memory
Today
this moment
this instant in time
I am
alive

Reactions

The shocked
look
they replay my words
eyes narrow
brows clinch
forehead wrinkles
no frame of reference
exists
those words don't belong
here
now
with you
with me

responsibility
creeps across
dawning realizations
shaken away
synapses darts through
grey matter
frantically searching
for the what
to the why
lightening flashes
snapping
a live wire
suddenly disconnected

you have
cancer?

Guilt

Do I feel guilty
No
Yes
Maybe
what did I do
what didn't I do
what could I have done

but

every action
has a reaction
every decision
a consequence

I would not choose
to change my life
what else would change
if I eliminated the bad
would the good have a
place
if I eliminated the good
would the bad go
or move to a different time

But do I feel guilty
no
just
responsible

Waiting

I'm getting good at it
I wait for an ultrasound
then
I wait for a biopsy
then
I wait for an MRI
and
PET Scan
then
I wait for the surgeon
then
I wait for the oncologist
because I waited for
the
mammogram

My life is
custom
Wake Up
Go to School
Go to Work
Bowl
Sleep
Wake Up

Routine life
Routine days
Routine nights
Comfortable Predictable

my life is chaos
I am a woman
I am a mother
I am a grandmother
I am a wife
and now
I am a survivor
I am not
my
cancer

I have something
growing inside of me
like a slow moving wave
it has lain hidden
mustering its strength
until unable to hide
I found it

The children my body nurtured
grew and when the time was good
emerged
This child created by that same body
would grow and destroy
it will also emerge
encouraged by the surgeon's blade
excised carefully
dissected and discarded
it will die
so I can
live

Tiger by the Tail

The good news is I'm taking a full load of classes this semester along with working part-time. The bad news is .... and so on.

Okay, so I'm slowly informing people I have to inform that I have cancer.
Yesterday I made an appointment with an oncologist (oh the new words)
Yesterday I called my doctor and asked for a referral to an oncologist.
My doctor is now officially known as the PCM (Primary Care Manager).
Today the referral was approved and I have an appointment for Feb. 23.
I am reading on the internet all about cancer and chemo and radiation
and the side affects

Damn the internet!

New Directions

So my blog is going to take a new direction, with the same name tho. You who occasionally stop in and see what's different, thanks for your support!

I have breast cancer. There is it, I've said it. Everytime I say it it becomes more real, so I don't like to say it, especially out loud.

The sound
of the words
give life to the meaning
gives it wings to travel
whither it will
touching others
a bee spreading pollen
wherever it travels
until
it returns
condolences
for a future event
today