I feel

terrified
cheerful
angry
calm
depressed
giggly

confused
certain
hopeful
despairing
relieved
tense

I am
a teenager
abuse
victim

I don't understand
who I am
what I want
who can help

I can't tell
who I am
what I want
who can help

I won't tell you
who I am
what I want
who can help

because I don't
know

Abuse is

Why would I talk about abuse at Christmas ... the season of holly and presents and love and peace. Because it's part of life and life happens year-'round .... unfortunately.

don't
talk
about
what happened

don't
feel
incomprehensible
emotions

don't
trust
anyone
ever
again

silicone cupcakes

colorful
flexible
soft
convenient
easy
tasty
burnless
but
stuck

Winter Blog

A winter's chill
has cut the air
it splits the logs
of fear and care

rounding out
the spring and fall
spitting snow and ice
o'er all

romantic visions
dot the sky
sleepy snowfalls
light and high

peace on earth
sings soft and sweet
but not for all
a tasty treat

that sleepy snow
will wake and strike
frozen days and
killing nights

remembrances kind
a frosty sky
thawing toes
near firelight

are not the only
winter thoughts
losses too fill
are neatly caught

so as you shop
then warm your toes
enjoy as
sounds and spirits flow

remember all's not
sweet and kind
not everything always
works out fine

be kind to all
happy or sad
angry, rude
cheerful, glad

their life's not yours
nor their pain
for peace on earth
we all can gain

The Big C

No one I know
calls it
the big c
they want it to be
the little c
instead

but
someone decided
that television
that viewers
that people would benefit
from a show about
the big c

so
they wrote
produced
and presented it

we're alike
we both have cancer
different kinds
we both struggle with acceptance
of the same kind
we both dealt with it
in different ways

even tho it's not
the big c
to me

light

light
into realization
I would write
the great
American novel

I would be
envied for my
talent

I would be
sought for my
wisdom

I would be
desired for my
notoriety

it's not

it's not
that I didn't expect
to age
just not like
this

it's not
that I thought
I'd live
forever
just longer than
this

it's not
that I didn't see others
fade to grey
just not
me

age

pulls my strings
shortens my legs
my stride

reduces my height
centimeter by centimeter
catches my breath
in small gasps
turns fingers
into prunes
the skin on my arms
bruised
red brown

long brown curly locks
thin into white
transparency

while inside
long legs
churn up miles of dust
hair blown back
arms pump air
and my heart glows

Epiphany

I will not
get any better
than I am

it's not
that I'm negative
depressed
uncertain

but I know
that this
is probably
it

Before

before he walks in
I know
he's there

clothes rumpled
from sleeping
on the ground

odoriferous
not that clean
outdoor smell
yet that too

days of beard
bag tucked behind
one leg
shouts
mine

hesitant eyes
search mine for
hope
pushed aside
by affluence

a mumbled apology
sideways glance
the step and slide
in reverse

but this time
is his time
before

Just

just when
I think
my world revolves
around only
me

someone reminds me
that the world
and my world
are not always
the same
one

thank you Sharon!

now

now that chemo's over
I can go back
to being me

now that the
radiation burns have
healed

now that the surgery
was successful

now that
that
inconvenient
messy
emotional
cranky
frightening thing
is over
I can go back
to being

me me me me me

but I already
am

stop

everything didn't
stop
at cancer

the world kept
revolving

my mother was still
eighty-eight
and slowing

my granddaughter
still pregnant

my son
still fighting for
custody

nothing changed
with cancer

my sisters still fought
with each other
with me

money was still tightening
an ever taunting
noose

the car still stopped
and is stopped
still

nothing changed
the world didn't hold
its breath

giving me time to scream
to cry to rage
to grieve

nothing changed
except
everything

Linguistics

I know the language
of
love
and
hate

at my father's knee
I learned
distrust
fear
anger and
humor

from my mother
I learned
mistrust
disillusionment
laughter

words
replete with
looks
the tilt of the head
the roll of the eyes
eyebrows raise
mouth turns down

fluent in emotion
my arsonal primed
I search for the final knowing
life

Multilingualistic

I speak
English fluently
the language of
the country of
my birth

I learned more
daughter
sister
cousin
niece

I married and studied
wife
mother
aunt

I aged and acquired
meme
grandma
great aunt

but I never expected
to have to learn
Cancer

The Big C

drama is drama
whether
love
sex
violence
sad
mad
glad

drama sells
tv
the big screen
the little screen
books
audio
it sells

and so it appears
does
cancer

you called

tried to sound cheerful
forced light
plum parody
but failed

it's not that
she's not happy for me
it's not that
she wants me to be sick
it's not that
she enjoys our mutual misery

but

she'll miss it
anyway

faith

in life
that it will
go on
beyond me
into the future
where I will not
can not
exist

commands
that I relinquish
all
to gain
and then to
lose

only faith
remains

To sleep

and to dream
and dream
again

running through fields
sifted in yellow
crushed velvet grass
tickling bare feet

racing the clouds
across a painted sky
leaping yellow to
blue to red

sinking into
unimaginable depths
as
fireflies
dart through the waves

shadows dog my steps
invisibly growling
snap and paw
miss and then catch

as my breath grasps
my chest
fails and I
wake

cancer

never had a name
for me
until half hidden
it beckoned forth
crooked its finger
and pulled at me
no one
in a faceless crowd

nameless
but not forever
my companions
took form

Betty ... Carol ... Sue ... Bob ...
Julie ... Ginny ... Marilyn ...
Ed ... Fran ... Dana ... Kathy

not cancer
nor cancer victims
not survivors
only people

walking to work
smiling across the cash register
frowning at the long wait
grumbling about the bill
laughing at a joke
wincing at a sudden pain
crying in the night
hugging love and life
tightly

people
cut across the quick
eyes widening
black brown yellow white
short tall skinny fat
old young smooth wrinkled

people
sharing
the unimaginable
in the unthinkable
now

trouble

finds me
hidden under my bed
sliding around the kitchen corner
skulking in the attic
doing nothing
nothing at all

pulls me out
by the ear
rattles my bones
tweaks my toes
shakes a finger in my face

and I never ever
deserved
um
it

i cannot

i cannot walk
a hundred miles
but
i can step once
ten thousand times

i cannot wait
forever
but
i can wait
one second at a time
for eternity

i cannot climb
a mountain
but I can take a stair
one at a time
until I've reached the top

i cannot be the best
but i can be
my
best

breathe

i held my breath
for a moment
until
just until

and
until became
forever

dripping

dripping dropping
silent shush
pitter patter
running rush

flitting falling
fast now slow
teasing tasting
stop and go

summer's fine
winter's fair
but rainy fall days
take the air

nearly

it lay poised
one tentative leg raised
searching out danger
on our dark wooden floor

my foot poised
bare foot
close enough to feel the bite
eight legs waited to pounce
outlined in the fading light

poise evaporated
time exploded
scream ... run ... laughter

plastic plastic plastic
spider

laugh

I can laugh
again
when
I'm done
when
it's done
when
they've finished
when
we've won
but really
when
if I never
stopped

done

am I done
I found it myself
fears into reality
they found it
too

am I done
chemotherapy
chemo
weekly
bi-weekly
port
the vein

am I done
lumpectomy
sentinel node biopsy
pain meds
dazed and queasy

am I done
radiation
rads
daily
burns that don't burn

am I done
yes
but
maybe not

lived

have I lived
have I breathed in love
and breathed out despair

have I lived
have I fought the good fight
won
and lost

have I lived
have I pitched my tent in the whirlwind
and lost a friend

have I lived
have I faced my greatest fear
stood trembling and found grace

have I lived
have I done aught else

Where have I been

A far country
called me away
no gentle caresses
drew me
from my sleep
but with claws
deep
caught me
and extinguished my day
for a season

It's Time

Time has swept away
the far shore
into a gentle
wave
from yesterday
to today
and soon
into
tomorrow

Ignorance is
bliss
annoying
frustrating
catastrophic
daily
momentary
permanent
you
and now
me

Hooked Up

has new meaning
no new romantic interest
no darting glances
feigned disinterest

instead it is

a soft tapping on the hand
calling the vein to come forth
rise and receive
the drug of death
and life

the cadaverous pole
pendalous with breasts of plastic
prophylactic and poison
they dip and sway
and drip

a stream of unconscious
droplets of mortality
ponderously
yet inexorably
wend their way
through plastic walkways
into a darker terrain
to fight a battle
and win
and lose

Four Weeks

The first week
after chemo three
was long and tired
very very long and
very very tired

it was queasy
and achey
and fuzzy
and fussy
filled with nothing
but sleep without rest
and rest without sleep
tasteless
restless
emptyless
life

the second week
was tired
legs that gave up after
five minutes of action
arms that pulled without lifting
eyes that pled for sleep
without the pill
and irritated over everything
and nothing
the flavor of cardboard
permeates all

the third week
still tired
legs still ached
arms weak
but miracle sleep
arrived
and grape jelly
tastes

then week four
where chemo should have been
wonderful week four
walking the dog
eating salads
sleeping for hours
at night
playing cards and chinese checkers
until
the next one
and it will start all over
again

Break

chemo one
hair still in
check
body not tired
check
stomach fine
check
no headache
check
but
fuzzy brain

chemo two
hair drifts onto my
pillow
check
body wants to stay
in bed
check
no headache
check
can't think

chemo three
hair gone
check
body won't move
check
headache
check
no brain
check

Make up your mind

Okay so chemo
oh it's working
it's shrinking
just a bit

Okay so chemo
oh it's not working
so let's do surgery
next
because it didn't shrink
not a bit

Okay so maybe
it got bigger and then
got smaller so chemo is
working
and maybe it did shrink
just a bit

So back to
chemo

grandmother's flute

was grandfather's
wrapped in the symmetry
of bone and skin
weighed sinew and muscle
the length of the throw
an angle of stride
that can only be found
in spruce
straight and true
fitted with music
tuned by the wind
carved by the master's
apprentice

the music
weaves magic
through the night air
pulling tears and joy
forth
from nothing
to something
more

tough

tough
not hard
firm
substantial
steady

stance that says
I'm here
I can be moved
but it won't be easy
I can be forced
but at a price
you may win
but it won't be all

I'm not perfect
determined
I'm not unselfish
but compassionate
I'm not the best
but the best that I know how

eyes that have wavered
and held
heart that has trembled
and stayed
spirit that has leaned into the wind
given and taken

only an ordinary woman
just as ordinary as an extraordinary woman
can be

Odds

Odds are
that I'd never know
you had cancer too

Odds are
that I'll pass you
and smile
and you'll do the same
and we'll never know
each other

Odds are
that the woman
who works
at the end of the building
is just another
anonymous
face

but odds are
that odds aren't
and I'm the richer
for knowing

she giggled
he giggled
bunny jumped
nikki whoofed
suddenly
laughter
erupted from
nowhere
sides aching
guffaws softened
the fall
where we lay
exhausted
until it all started up
again

leafy fingers
greet the day
piecing the sky
pullling
layers of blue
into stems
buds
woody green
elixer of life

green
dapples
moving feet
as dust stirs
settles
stirs
pick me
pick me
soundlessly
whispers
pepper the air
dahlias
honeysuckle
palms
rangers
set the sun
whispering
still

the lilac bush

once a year
maybe a week
sometimes a day

she fills up
with life
nourished
cared for
through long hot days
colder nights

she waits
her head cocked at odd angles
legs thin and sturdy
rooted deep she quietly resists
survives
and blooms
only once
but then once
is still
enough

music
runs through my veins
liquid sound
energizing cells
filling veins and arteries
pumping
living water
filling and overflowing
my life
hers
his
theirs
yours

out of tune
loud
enthusiastic
thrumming with
missing lyrics
half remembered
sounds
connecting
tissue to ligament to muscle to bone
fingers
feet matching beat for beat
shoulders gut
heel to toe
until
the last note falls
to
make room
for the
next

music
draws beauty
from my soul

warbling through
vocal chords
rusty with age
lungs
wheezing with effort
volume
muted with years

until
emotion
passion
fury
drives dusty
valves
softens pedals
smooths
volume

"someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
the lovers, the dreamers and
meeeeeee"

I don't want to be
honest
it means being
vulnerable

you
seeing
me

naked
my heart exposed
my failings revealed
my warts
lies
cheats
anger
words
visible

but

if you don't see me
how will I know
if you
like me
at
all

Loneliness

is not
being alone
is not
missing family
is not
living away
is not
a singles bar
one tv dinner
one dirty spoon in the sink

cannot be cured
by
people
places
things
action
excitement
sex
money
toys

it is
another type
of cancer
destroys the
heart

it runs from
open arms
open heart
giving
loving
encouragement
compansionship
laughter
stepping outside
forgetting me
moving from
internal
to external

the disease
self-want
the cure
helping others
knowing
yourself

No Wig

eyes slant
sideways
creeping
under my
hat

what's there
isn't visible
I see
ears
but
nothing
else

Counting

Friday
three more weeks
until
okay

I lose
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
part of
Thursday
then
awake
Friday

two more weeks
until
okay

eat
clean my room
do the dishes
go out
see a movie
visit mom
sleep
again
sleep
again
sleep
Friday

one more week
until
okay
stew
tastes
like food
wig
itches
I can
look for scarves
find hats
go shopping
eat lunch
laugh
giggle
argue
complain
grin
hug
remember
until
Friday
comes again

Blanks

Fill in the
blanks
chemo
Friday
lunch then
um

okay
Saturday
the kids spent
the night and we
watched movies and ate
um

okay
Easter Sunday
honey ham
potatoes
cornbread
with the kids
and then we
um

Monday
blur
bowl
Tuesday
work
blur
sleep
Wednesday
Thursday
got up and ate
looked at the garden
until
Friday

Friday I worked
watered my garden
played with the kids
Friday I
remember

Next Chemo

My next chemo is this Friday. The first week after my first chemo was tiring, bowling was hard, I was tired. I got a wig, my insurance will cover it, but I haven't worn it yet because I was hoping, hoping that my hair really wouldn't fall out.

my white pillow
fairy dusted
white and gray
hair

but it is, darn it. I feel pretty good, not weak but not as energetic as usual. Work is fine, spring break is wonderful!

spring wind
spring time
spring rain
but best of all
spring
break

the kids are in cali and we're having a double break ... no kids ... no school ... no nausea ... no bad stuff ... just romantic two of us stuff for three whole days

I wander
tv for a while
then facebook
a computer game
a book
a nap
and then
surprise
strawberry shortcake
yum

Cheeemmmmooooo

three hours
two reading
one napping

Benadryl
nausea supressant
prednisone
tamoxifen
cytoxin

lunch
nap

wow
I'm still breathing

I've decided

no chemo
damn it

no hair loss
no wig

no nausea
no meds

no mouth sores
no miracle rinse

no dry skin
no lotion lotion lotion

no fatigue
no sleeping sleeping sleeping

no
no
no
okay
I feel better now
for
chemo
sigh

stalled

not moving
engine idling
not engaged
transmission rumbling
no connection
I'm
stalled

Future

looks dim
looks bright
is good
is bad
finds happiness
finds sadness
seems positive
seems negative
but
the future is
always
a breath away
so
breathe today
into tomorrow

the past is
prehistoric
the future is
fiction
I can only live
today

Sympathy

is exhausting
it drains my spirit
pulls me down
to where you are
to where I don't want
to be

support
lifts me up
lifts you up
encourages
accepts
provides
love

sympathy is for you
support is for us
so let's do it
for
us

Warren Buffet and Me

Rules to Live By

According to Stephanie Loacona at Investopedia (and probably most people) Warren Buffet is very successful. At least he's a success in terms of the stock market and philosophy. And here is his philosophy :

1. Never Lose Money
2. Never Forget Rule #1
3. If the Business Does Well, the Stock Eventually Follows
4. It's Far Better to Buy a Wonderful Company at a Fair Price, Than a Fair Company at a Wonderful Price
5. Our Favorite Holding Period is Forever

Those are terrific rules for stock investing, and with a bit of tweaking, they're great rules for life too!

1. Never lose sight of what is important to you.
2. Never forget rule #1
3. If you're heart is in the right place, all else will follow.
4. It's far better to be a good person in a bad world than a bad person in a good world.
5. Our favorite long term goal is forever.

Still Waiting

no news
is good news
unless to
know news
is bad
which never happens
when news
is
unknown

Friends

hearts
entangle slowly
almost
imperceptably

hi
how are you
can you take notes for me
wanna get somethin' to eat
what are you doin' later
call me
did you finish that assignment
how's your mom
did you forget to call
what time do you go to work
are you okay
here's your sandwich
I still owe you for that book
did you get the results
do you want to talk
because
we're best friends
you
know
yes
I'm glad
yes
I know

the silence of
a thousand dreams
can never
take
away

that single breath
infinity
that tells my heart
to stay

the movement of
a million stars
will never cease
to be

for I will hold
you in my heart
through all
eternity

Waiting

Room silence
eyes dart
skip across faces
like nervous
squirrels
wary
fearful
anxious
starving

see me
the silent voices
croon
don't see my scarf covered head
don't see my pale face
etched lines
drug drained skin
pain filled eyes

see me
I danced past midnight
I skiied the bunny slope
I ran a marathon
I sewed a costume
I won first prize
I was the cutest
I had the nicest smile
I saved that dog
I missed my football game for you
I jumped the highest
I got a home run
I gave my last dollar
I didn't cry
I can whistle
I have the longest legs
I bowled an 85 or 185 or 285
I made spaghetti
all by myself

see me
I'm not
what I have
I am
me
see me
so I can
see me
too

Silence

I don't know how
or who
or when
or why
to tell

I don't want
pity
just compassion
guilt
just understanding
fear
I have enough for
both of us

after all
I am still
me

maybe I just
want
a hug

Retrospect

I'll know
tomorrow
or was that
last week

the results
will be in
on Wednesday
or was that
last Tuesday

the decision
will be made
Tuesday
but no Tuesday
came

I will know
what I now know
when I have known
yesterday
tomorrow

You can't stop if you don't start

I want to go
but I don't want
to start
I want to finish
but I don't want
to begin
I want it
to be over
before it's begun

peeking through
a lattice of
fingers and fear

am I there yet?

Conflictd

eeee
it's missing
how can I be
conflicted
without an e

how can I
not?

Passion

flows
through veins
softened
with years

timeless

Valentine

pulse
racing
eyes
lift
smile
encompasses
the future
even
now

My

heart
balanceless
slips
the ground
advances
slow motion
energyless
my eyes
scan for
footholds
named
you

maybe if

I cried
foul
wept
dripped
sackcloth
cast misery
upon my face
cobwebbed
my hair
downcast
eyes
pitiful
pity
would proclaim
victory
the only
loser
me

Dreaming

no peace
I battle
myself
family
friends

love brings
no peace
accusations
anger
disappointment

a dark alley
stalks
with shadow
fears
held at bay
in the light
the dark
obscures and reveals
and
their teeth grind
my bones
to
dust

Intercession

Caught
a fly in
amber
midflight

your disappointment
my surprise
captured
time
frozen

amazement
painful
realization
stoic
determination

mercy wept
and
love lost

anyway

I didn't
pay it
fast enough

I promised
I thought
I could
but
I couldn't
not fast enough

you
waited
frowned
waited
watched
waited
growled
and then
took action
without asking
without talking
without mentioning

but it's okay
because you love me
anyway
not
any way
just
anyway

there are
conditions
to your love

I didn't know
about
anyway
so
I drown
stranded
between
any way
and anyway

I fooled you

you forgot

my life
is
chaos
in living
color

work
school
responsibility
bills
support
kids
grandkids
demands
sleepless
laundry
kitchen
garden
family
friends
time
cancer

a mountain
resting on shoulders
my shoulders
but not mine
alone

I'm so brave

I'm so brave
everyone thinks
I'm handling
IT
so well

I'm so casual
no one thinks
IT
is a problem

I'm so calm
some people think
IT
isn't IT

I'm so terrified
anyone might think
I don't have
IT

If they know me
why don't they
know

What's after Depression?

denial
depression
what next
oh yeah
anger
bargaining
and
what's the last one
ummm
acceptance?
good luck

Shagann

sweet
melancholy
quiet
sadness
remourseless
recollections
painful
perusal


thanks for the picture and
the definition from
inevitable-eventuality@blogspot.com

So today I'm

Depressed
why
I don't know
it's alphabetical tho
Denial
Depression
distressed
down

hmmm
pissy comes after depression too
I'm feeling
pissy

my stomach is
sick
I'm tired
so that makes me
sick
and tired
and
wait
that was funny
from Bill Cosby, right?

The Storm Before the Calm

Why won't you call me
I didn't mean to tell you
I have cancer
it was an acciden

it just fell out
when we were discussing
the weather
between cloudy and a chance of rain
there it was

you looked at it
like something
the neighbor's dog left
on the sidewalk
you just missed it
whoops
that was close
and then you were
gone


Where is the warning light
like on my dash
watch out!
your radiator needs
water
careful!
the oil is low
oops!
the trunk is open
hey!
you've got cancer


I told my grandkids
you know
bc before cancer
I'm going to live
forever
three pairs of eyes widen

my daughter is moving
what will she take with her

the wheels begin to turn
Aaron tries for sensitivity
when you um, move on
will you leave me the car?
Jenny's face lights up
can I have the rest
of the cookies
Jessy is silent
I ask
and what would you like
Hmmm the house

I pause
okay, Aaron, you get the car
Jenny you can have the cookies
and Jessy gets the house
Jenny frowns
Katlyn interjects
the house? she gets the house?

but
they look at me
expectantly
I'm living forever
eyes round
brows wrinkle
so
can I have the cookies
now?

one glass of milk
five sets of fingers
until
there is one empty box
of cookies
life is
good

I'm not dying
I don't think
so
it's just that
sometimes
my mind
takes trips
without
getting into the car
first

Honesty

I will be
as honest as
I can be
I don't know
how honest that is
yet

my mind edits
my brain circumnavigates
my mouth cutenizes*
my ears reframe
only my fingers seem capable
of
honesty
I guess

* taken from another blog, I lost the link or I'd cite it

am I dying
my mind
searches my body
for clues
....
nothing

I'm the same
as yesterday
last year
ten years ago

is it a trick
I should feel something
other than that
lump
where it shouldn't be

I know
I know
I won't live
forever
but when I'm lying
in the dark
and everyone's asleep
I stare at the stars
and think
but won't I?

So what has cancer taught me, so far?

I'm alive
right now
tomorrow
is a promise
yesterday
is a memory
Today
this moment
this instant in time
I am
alive

Reactions

The shocked
look
they replay my words
eyes narrow
brows clinch
forehead wrinkles
no frame of reference
exists
those words don't belong
here
now
with you
with me

responsibility
creeps across
dawning realizations
shaken away
synapses darts through
grey matter
frantically searching
for the what
to the why
lightening flashes
snapping
a live wire
suddenly disconnected

you have
cancer?

Guilt

Do I feel guilty
No
Yes
Maybe
what did I do
what didn't I do
what could I have done

but

every action
has a reaction
every decision
a consequence

I would not choose
to change my life
what else would change
if I eliminated the bad
would the good have a
place
if I eliminated the good
would the bad go
or move to a different time

But do I feel guilty
no
just
responsible

Waiting

I'm getting good at it
I wait for an ultrasound
then
I wait for a biopsy
then
I wait for an MRI
and
PET Scan
then
I wait for the surgeon
then
I wait for the oncologist
because I waited for
the
mammogram

My life is
custom
Wake Up
Go to School
Go to Work
Bowl
Sleep
Wake Up

Routine life
Routine days
Routine nights
Comfortable Predictable

my life is chaos
I am a woman
I am a mother
I am a grandmother
I am a wife
and now
I am a survivor
I am not
my
cancer

I have something
growing inside of me
like a slow moving wave
it has lain hidden
mustering its strength
until unable to hide
I found it

The children my body nurtured
grew and when the time was good
emerged
This child created by that same body
would grow and destroy
it will also emerge
encouraged by the surgeon's blade
excised carefully
dissected and discarded
it will die
so I can
live

Tiger by the Tail

The good news is I'm taking a full load of classes this semester along with working part-time. The bad news is .... and so on.

Okay, so I'm slowly informing people I have to inform that I have cancer.
Yesterday I made an appointment with an oncologist (oh the new words)
Yesterday I called my doctor and asked for a referral to an oncologist.
My doctor is now officially known as the PCM (Primary Care Manager).
Today the referral was approved and I have an appointment for Feb. 23.
I am reading on the internet all about cancer and chemo and radiation
and the side affects

Damn the internet!

New Directions

So my blog is going to take a new direction, with the same name tho. You who occasionally stop in and see what's different, thanks for your support!

I have breast cancer. There is it, I've said it. Everytime I say it it becomes more real, so I don't like to say it, especially out loud.

The sound
of the words
give life to the meaning
gives it wings to travel
whither it will
touching others
a bee spreading pollen
wherever it travels
until
it returns
condolences
for a future event
today